Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I did not marry a roomba.
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