your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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