Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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