nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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