his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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