True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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