I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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