the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
