i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
