i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
