i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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