My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
