I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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