Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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