how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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