I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize