I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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