Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
