i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
