i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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