I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
