I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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