drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
