how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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