i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize