The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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