did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
