I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
