What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
