Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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