I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
