ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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