Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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