She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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