Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
