you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
