I have demons in me.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
