did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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