i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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