i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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