Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
