I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
tell me about the eggs
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
