And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i dont even know how to be here
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
