apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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