I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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