Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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