Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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