we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
