I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize