I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
