I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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