I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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