dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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