The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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