he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize