Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
