Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
