She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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