Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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